Camera magic

About a month ago my brother and sister in law asked if I could take a photo shoot of them and their cute little family. It's been a while since I've done that. I used to love taking photos. It makes me so happy. I would sit for hours afterwards editing them on the computer making them just right. I hesitantly said I would do it. I missed them so much and I wanted to see if I would enjoy it as I once had.

A few days ago was the date. As soon as they stepped out of their car I was in the mode. I wanted to do this. I had to stop myself from crying as I witnessed the most perfect little family. I just wanted to capture every moment. I practically did. They were perfect photo subjects too. They are naturals. I didn't have to ask them to do anything. (except once, when Joni wouldn't look at the camera trying get her Calli to smile *wink*  - love ya Joni).

I've spend the past couple days reliving the beautiful couple hours I spent with them. I'll soon have all the pictures available to them. I'm going to post a few here.  Some of my favorites. I have a lot more favorites than what I posted but for some reason it takes a long time to upload these babies.

I want to thank Joni and Kevin for the awesome opportunity. I had the best time and can't wait to see everyone again soon!

Not gonna settle

***this has been on the back burner for a week. Didn't know if I was gonna post it or not - but I decided since I had taken the time to write it out...why the heck not***

I went away for the weekend. Not only did I HAVE to see one of my all time favorite people get married, but it was a nice breather for me. I had the most fun I've had in a long long while. I let my hair down, so to speak, and breathed in the Big Bear fresh air.  While having the time of my life I also was thinking. (Dangerous, I know.)  I will soon be divorced. I do not want to be alone forever. Though my kids are my priority right now, I also would like the comfort of a partner. But being a "little" older and going though what I've been through. I know what I want. I refuse to settle. I was making a mental list of what I want...but I know I need to write things down. And if I meet someone who's interested and I feel the same way back he's gonna have to meet some criteria. I refuse to settle. I should make them fill out an application.

Here goes nothing

• Kids
• I may or may not want more kids. Whomever I choose to date has to have an open mind about more kids. I made my ex agree to 5 before we got married. He didn't really want that. I don't want someone to agree because they are desperate to be with me. I want someone to truly want the same things as I do. I would happily have more kids. My own, or foster, or adopted. I not only want someone to support that, but to actually want it as well. 
• Animals
• I like to come home w/ things. I want someone to love my furbabies as much as I do. Heck, come home w/ your own too! We need to get a ranch though...they need space. I want chickens and ducks and goats, and pigs and doggies and kitties. I may never get the chance, but I would like the option..if only mentally. 
• Beliefs
• I need 100% respect of my beliefs and that I will raise my kids (present and future) with what I believe to be true and important. 
• Respect
• When you respect your partner you respect them even when they aren't around. I need that. Hanging out w/ your buddies is no excuse to disrespect me...even if you think it's just joking. I am very open minded and I know when it's play...but there's a line. So even if I never find out, please always respect me. 
• Love
• I need to not only hear how much you love me, but I need to see it. Actions speak louder than words. I really believe that. 

Then I tell myself people grow and they can sometimes differently than what they originally planned. So far, this is my plan. It may change. I may meet someone and everything may change. Only time will tell. But this is my current plan. 

I love you anyway

I love you any way. I love you regardless. Just plain I Love You. Any way you say it, it should mean the same. You love somebody past all their faults, negatives and history. You just love them.

I love my kids. It's not a choice. I love them with all that I have. It's not that I have to love them because they are mine.  I was made to love them. I am part of them. They are a part of me - an extension of my own heart.  Loving them is like loving me...though I feel I love them more than I could possibly love myself.

Love between people isn't ever the same. I don't love my friends as I love my children as I love a partner as I love my family. It differs, but it's still the same. It's LOVE - and LOVE is good. 

I yearn for a love from a partner. MY partner. A soul mate who loves me as I love him. I ache for a true friend and lover. Someone I can laugh and cry with who won't  judge, scold or lie to me.  Someone who will grow right along with me. Learn with me. Play with me. Parent with me. Pray with me. Someone who is capable of loving my children as much as humanly possible without being actually being blood related.   I want to feel protected, safe and secure. I want someone who will fight with me and most importantly FOR me.  Someone who will fight for my heart and soul and won't ever give up on me. I want someone to love me anyway. Regardless of my faults and unpleasant moments that are sure to come.

I tell myself I am worth it. I deserve that kind of love. I can give that kind of love. There is someone I can love that deeply who will return it.   I won't love you the same as I love my children. I won't love my children the same as I love you. It's different. It's good. It's special. It's out there...somewhere. When I find it, I promise I will love you anyway.

Decisions...

I went to my class at Kaiser to work out a plan on how to cope with everything in my life.  It helps that it's a group class and I see others who are having difficulty's in life as well. I haven't shared my story (stories since it involves way more than one) yet. We'll see. I am out of work until July 17th and then they'll decide if I go back right away or not.   I kind of miss work. It's steady and I love the people I work with. If I didn't have so much else going on, work would be so much easier. However, my employer actually makes their employees work...work hard. I don't mind working hard. I've worked as early as legally possible and haven't stopped since. Heck when I had Tyler I was back to work the the day after I got home from the hospital. Yes, no maternity leave. Zilch. I had work to do and I did it with a baby. It can be done. :)

What I'm going through.

• Divorce
• I highly advise any and all of you to NEVER get one if it can be helped. If  you can work it out I suggest that. The grass is not greener on the other side. It's helped me realize what's most important to me which is fantastic..but at the risk of breaking a home. I could have realized it without that. It's heartwrenchingly difficult. Marriage is and should be forever. 
• Living Situation
• I have my 2 fabulous children. I have moved them into one room to make space for my friend and roommate. He's a recent paraplegic and I'm also his caregiver. I also have a 2nd roommate who's been here for 2 years now. He's one of my best friends. I love him to death and I know he's always someone who will listen to me no matter how crazy of stuff I have to say. It's a house of 5 people and 5 animals. It's a fairly big house so it's not too physically crowded. It's more mentally crowded. 
• Finances
• I want to keep my house. I love my landlord, I love the house and I love my animals. You'd think with 2 roommates helping out I would be able to keep up with my rent. Apparently not. I may be looking to downgrade. I'm crossing my fingers a small cheaper house come avail so I don't have to give up my dog, Sequoia. She's big and the only one I'd worry about housing if I had to move. My kids would also be devastated. 
• Past Pain and Traumatic Experience
• Can't go into detail, but something bad happened to me. I just wish I had the protection at time or someone I could go to. Hopefully I've learned how to protect myself from situations like that again. It's also not something one can push aside and never think about. I think about it all the time. 
• Pain and Traumatic Experiences in my children
• Again, won't go into detail but when a child, especially one of my own, has gone through a painful experience I feel it right along with them. Wishing I could have protected them even though it was beyond my control. I feel so guilty that maybe had I done something different I could have saved them the heartache and pain. This is the worst one of all. It makes everything  else I've gone though and going through pale in its presence. I want to take my babies and just flee somewhere far away and keep them safe. Keep them all so safe. 

I now have quite a few decisions to make. Decisions that break my heart. I'm a very emotional person. I love people. I don't like hurting others and I want everyone to like me. I need to work on that because it's just not possible to do it all. My mom told me last month "Lesley, you can't save everyone."

Why not?  I want to! I want to help everyone, but it's effecting my ability to help myself and that needs to end. Now. It's not easy. I make decisions based on my heart v.s. head. And when I finally think I made a decision based on my head I regret it and feel guilty and sad.

I made some goals. Well the goals are actually my homework. I am to start exercising minimum 2 days per week. I think I can do that. I also was to plan some activities. One was to take my kids to the park and or movies. I was to plan an activity that makes me happy. My kids make me so happy so naturally I chose an activity that included them.

I have a harder goal I need to set but I'm not going to say it here. Protection of privacy for the time being. If you pray, please pray I make the best decision for me and my family.

I think that's all for today. Too-da-loo

Lesley

I love you to the Milky Way

To my babies.
Love, mom

I was told to Journal my days

I used to blog all the time. I had a few years of entries and then one day I just deleted them all. I'm spontaneous like that. The last blog on here. Like the one right before this one today on  July 1st I actually wrote like a year ago and it was in my drafts and I just published it.

So, what's up? I'm out of work for about 3 weeks. Mental stress or what-have-you. I could be private about it and journal secretly but falling in the lines of my author sister...I figure what's the harm in hanging out my skeletons on front lawn for all to see then to hide them in the closet?  Less speculation and talk. Non of anyone's business...yup...but I'd rather any info come from me. It's just my way. Have your own opinion if you will. You're going to anyway. As am I.

For the privacy of others there will be some bits of information I will not disclose. And even if you ask me privately I won't tell you. Not because I don't want to... because if it were up to me I'd be screaming everything to anyone with ears.  I love and respect some people enough to not disclose certain things only because it's not fully mine to share.

To continue with my 3 weeks off work. I was told to journal my days. So this is entry numero uno. It's Sunday morning and I've had 3 cups of coffee. Gevalia. It's good stuff. I know I should probably cut down on my coffee intake and I will try. Today I will not. I want another but I drank it all. Sadness. Oh well..there's also a chocolate bar in fridge. MINE!!

I'm terrible at grammar so I'm not sure where to put periods, commas, colons, semi colons or new paragraphs. I make up my own grammar and words. :) I don't do grammar Nazis either. Poo on you grammar Nazis. fyi, the 4 times I used the word grammar in the last couple sentences I spelled it grammer. :) haha. I had to spell check it. Love spell check. 

I'm reading 50 shades of Grey. Or Gray.  Don't feel like looking up the spelling right now.  Many apologies to my bestest friend Jessica, but this book is annoying me. The writing is juvenile and out of date for the times. Maybe I want my own love story...or maybe I prefer vanilla.  If I forget to pick it up again I won't cry, though I will probably finish reading it to say I that I did. I haven't finished a book since Twilight. *shameful* I also won't be standing in line when the movies come out probably staring Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Why can I see those 2 as the stars of this book. This book is a mix of Twilight and Pretty Woman gone Flogging.  Maybe I'll have a different opinion once I'm done reading it. For all those lives that have been changed by this...congrats. I'm happy for you.   Maybe I'm just in a cynical bad mood and can't enjoy a fun book.  Or ultimately I'm probably jealous of someone elses love story and feelings that seem to have faded from my own life.   I think I'll have that chocolate bar now.

Alone time..

I have noticed that though I can call a lot of people my friends, I don't ever have a lot of friends around. Nor do I go over and visit with friends. I don't know if I'm in a long-friend-needing-drought-phase but I just don't have the craving. I don't mean to seem snobbish like I'm too good for that.  I just really REALLY enjoy my alone time. And when I'm enjoying my alone time I'm not alone.

For starters, I have my kids. I love them more than anything in the entire world. Having them around just lights up my soul.  Secondly, I have my animals. They never leave me alone. There's a cat in my lap and dogs at my feet. They never leave me alone. <---posted twice for emphasis.   Thridly, I have Facebook. Sounds sad, right? I don't feel sad about it. Virtual socialization, for the most part, seems to be enough for me. I can be the me I am in my head v.s. the insecure me I am in person.

Insecurity. I believe I stay secluded, for the most part, because I am incredibly insecure.  I have been told to work past it or the more you do stuff the less insecure you'll be. Not true. I'm no head-doctor but I know me. I know me more than anyone knows me....'cept God. I have bursts of confidence and times where I crave the need to be physically social. But more often than not a session of online interaction or a silent game of Words with Friends is enough to satisfy my friendly need.

I want to be that person. That person who goes out with her girlfriends and has a blast and shares and has pillow fights and all that jazz. I used to be that person, sort of. In elementary school I had Jennifer. We hung out all the friggin time growing up. All I wanted to do was hang out with her.  When I moved to Ramona I had Sonia. We hung out all the friggin time and all I wanted to do was hang out with her. :) Then the boys came into the picture and like every girl I've ever met, when a boy enters the picture, he comes first. At least in the beginning. Or forever. Depends on the person. Then when that boy is gone, she wonders where her girlfriends are. Well, they have their own boy or they found new friends because you were all caught up with your boy.  Well..time to grovel for forgiveness or find a new boy. Ha-ha. OR..hang out with everyone!  I don't know what I did in high school when I was dating. I know it was only like a *few* years ago, but my memory is foggy.

Too much effort. A friend is worth all the effort in the world. And the more time I spend secluded from them the more okay I am with it. I used to live next door to Jessica and we'd hang out all the time. I moved away and was okay with that. I don't mean that I was glad to move away from her. Not at all. I just process things differently.

I don't talk on phones with people. I hate phones. I never call anyone. I really don't. Not even my own family. I love them all but there's something about the phone I despise.  I was told that texting or emailing is impersonal and that I just need to call. Well it may be impersonal to YOU but it is not to me. It's just an electronic (and quicker) version of writing a letter, which people used to do before there were telephones. Back in the day I don't think when someone received a letter from a loved one, they would get offended thinking "oh how impersonal of them, if they really loved me they'd get in their horse drawn buggy and travel for 7 days, risk being killed by wild buffalo to say 'hey, what's up?' in person."  So if someone is upset by my preferred form of contact then that's too bad. If you want to call me, then I will answer and talk to you happily. I just won't be calling you. Even if you give up e-mail and block texting all together in order to force me to call you...I still probably wouldn't. It's not to be mean. It's me. And I am going to be me for the rest of my life.