Decisions...

I went to my class at Kaiser to work out a plan on how to cope with everything in my life.  It helps that it's a group class and I see others who are having difficulty's in life as well. I haven't shared my story (stories since it involves way more than one) yet. We'll see. I am out of work until July 17th and then they'll decide if I go back right away or not.   I kind of miss work. It's steady and I love the people I work with. If I didn't have so much else going on, work would be so much easier. However, my employer actually makes their employees work...work hard. I don't mind working hard. I've worked as early as legally possible and haven't stopped since. Heck when I had Tyler I was back to work the the day after I got home from the hospital. Yes, no maternity leave. Zilch. I had work to do and I did it with a baby. It can be done. :)

What I'm going through.

• Divorce
• I highly advise any and all of you to NEVER get one if it can be helped. If  you can work it out I suggest that. The grass is not greener on the other side. It's helped me realize what's most important to me which is fantastic..but at the risk of breaking a home. I could have realized it without that. It's heartwrenchingly difficult. Marriage is and should be forever. 
• Living Situation
• I have my 2 fabulous children. I have moved them into one room to make space for my friend and roommate. He's a recent paraplegic and I'm also his caregiver. I also have a 2nd roommate who's been here for 2 years now. He's one of my best friends. I love him to death and I know he's always someone who will listen to me no matter how crazy of stuff I have to say. It's a house of 5 people and 5 animals. It's a fairly big house so it's not too physically crowded. It's more mentally crowded. 
• Finances
• I want to keep my house. I love my landlord, I love the house and I love my animals. You'd think with 2 roommates helping out I would be able to keep up with my rent. Apparently not. I may be looking to downgrade. I'm crossing my fingers a small cheaper house come avail so I don't have to give up my dog, Sequoia. She's big and the only one I'd worry about housing if I had to move. My kids would also be devastated. 
• Past Pain and Traumatic Experience
• Can't go into detail, but something bad happened to me. I just wish I had the protection at time or someone I could go to. Hopefully I've learned how to protect myself from situations like that again. It's also not something one can push aside and never think about. I think about it all the time. 
• Pain and Traumatic Experiences in my children
• Again, won't go into detail but when a child, especially one of my own, has gone through a painful experience I feel it right along with them. Wishing I could have protected them even though it was beyond my control. I feel so guilty that maybe had I done something different I could have saved them the heartache and pain. This is the worst one of all. It makes everything  else I've gone though and going through pale in its presence. I want to take my babies and just flee somewhere far away and keep them safe. Keep them all so safe. 

I now have quite a few decisions to make. Decisions that break my heart. I'm a very emotional person. I love people. I don't like hurting others and I want everyone to like me. I need to work on that because it's just not possible to do it all. My mom told me last month "Lesley, you can't save everyone."

Why not?  I want to! I want to help everyone, but it's effecting my ability to help myself and that needs to end. Now. It's not easy. I make decisions based on my heart v.s. head. And when I finally think I made a decision based on my head I regret it and feel guilty and sad.

I made some goals. Well the goals are actually my homework. I am to start exercising minimum 2 days per week. I think I can do that. I also was to plan some activities. One was to take my kids to the park and or movies. I was to plan an activity that makes me happy. My kids make me so happy so naturally I chose an activity that included them.

I have a harder goal I need to set but I'm not going to say it here. Protection of privacy for the time being. If you pray, please pray I make the best decision for me and my family.

I think that's all for today. Too-da-loo

Lesley