School has started again! Yay! Well...not so much. I may be one of the few parents I know that enjoy having their children around every day. If I knew I could do it better than their school, I'd home-school my kids. That being said, I don't think I can do it better so off to school they go!
Sarah is a SENIOR in high school! I can't believe it. I'm so proud of her. She has a full time job and it amazing at it. Always a smile on her face and I actually see her more! I can't wait to see what her future holds. :)
Allison is now in the 8th grade. Middle school kinda sucks because they go from being the bottom class (7th grade) to the top of the class (8th grade) and next year they are at the bottom as Freshman in high school. So confusing for them. My daughter does well though and I'm super proud of her.
Tyler is still my soft spoken sweet boy and is now in the 5th grade. He has the same teacher his dad had as well as Allison had in the 5th grade. I'm happy about that because I enjoyed her as Allison's teacher. My kids have been blessed with amazing teachers. Tyler is also in traveling soccer this year and is doing quite well.
Ryan will be 5 months in 6 more days! Time is flying and I love seeing him grow and become a little person. He has a fun personality and I love his sweet smile. Everyone says he looks like Tyler, but I see him looking more like his daddy every day.
Steve and I love our little family and life together in our small town. Anticipating the future and see what our life will hold for us.
I've always known that everyone's life is a little...or a lot...different than the next persons. People can act completely different to an identical situation. Who am I to judge how they act, react or other? I'm nobody...yet I'm somebody. I am me. I have my own trials and triumphs and would never compare what I'm going through to what someone else is. It's all relative. Let's comfort others, even though we may not understand what they are feeling. Let's rejoice in others even 'though we may feel their success large enough to celebrate. Because when it call comes down to it...the earth doesn't revolve around "me" or "you". We should all love one another.
Should.
In an ideal world we should.
Some people make it very difficult to love them. To like them. Even to stand them. I know I should ask for strength and understanding when I, fortunately infrequently, run across these people in my life. At times I feel better when I can just hate someone. I don't really hate anyone. I really don't. If somebody acts in an evil way I assume they are severely brain damaged and cannot help themselves. Well...not really...but sometimes. :)~
In retrospect, it's going to be a very short period in my life where I was in close contact with someone who I found out was cursed with an ugly selfish heart. This person made every day of mine torturous in one way or another for 8 months straight. I feel quite dumb not catching the signs earlier. One sign in particular was where he told me if I ever contacted an old boy friend of mine he would hire someone to break his back. You see, he's Irish and his family has connections with the Irish Mafia..or so he said. He just needs to make a phone call. This was a guy I had dated only very briefly before the so-called one-in-need moved in.
It was December of 2011 when I visited an 'old friend' in a hospital. He was nice and friendly and we caught up on old times. We soon realized we could help one another He needed a place to stay...and I extra money in the form of a roommate. Seemed like a good fit. I met some of his other friends and even his brother. Everyone seemed on board with this fantastic idea. Right before he moved in I was told that he wasn't quite where he needed to be (see he had been injured and was currently unable to function like the average person). He would need extra care when I had originally been told he would not leave until he could to just about everything he could before the accident. I was told I would be paid for my services as a caregiver until he could function better. That is...if I agreed. It wasn't supposed to be long. He would continue to get therapy and soon be on his way. Sadly, that also wasn't so. So my New Year 2012 (literally the 1st of January) I became a full time nurse. I took care of grown man and did the things he wasn't able to do. The most exciting part always included blue gloves, air sanitizer and baby wipes. I had been frequently told he was able to do this himself, but that never happened. Not once in 8 months. I had done hours of research on people in worse condition than him who could do 100x's more than him. Changing clothes, using the restroom, bathing....on and on. This person who lived with me wouldn't even attempt it. Not even a single attempt.
So it started out with threats from the Irish Mafia which came along with his drinking. He drank. A lot. Not just a lot...but a whole lot. Bottles and bottles daily. Not small little beer bottles...but those HUGE wine bottles. He'd go through 2-3 a day - probably more when he locked himself in his room. I didn't catch it at first. I started calculating how much he drank. Before he moved in, he told me he would only drink a glass of wine a night to wind down. I think he's bad at math because he had about 50 glasses a night. During his Dr apts he'd tell the Dr he didn't drink at all. Or smoke for that matter. He smoked about 2 packs a day, if not more and like I said 2-3 large bottles of wine a day (that's just what I saw when I was home) I would always tell the Dr in the hallway he was lying and how much he really drank and smoked. Finally his mom told me he was an alcoholic. Hmm...nice for someone to tell me after he moved in. I have kids. I have me. I found out after he moved in that his accident was a result of his drinking. He's a full blown alcoholic. And when he drinks, he's not one of those funny happy drunks. He's mean. He says and does really mean things.
His Dr finally refused to give him meds unless he quit drinking. He said he would. I banned it from my house.
I don't know why I put up with it for so long. I felt stuck. I didn't know what to do. I learned that every single one of his immediate family members had tried to take him in and he was kicked out of their house for drinking. He was fired from every job he's ever had because of drinking. I began to develop anxiety and have panic attacks. I missed a lot of work. I finally went on disability leave and he didn't like that very much. I found out it was because he was secretly ordering booze from BevMo. They would deliver it right to the door. HUGE bottles of whiskey. Huge. I have no idea why his liver is even still functioning. It's a miracle (or in my case...a curse)
Going out on disability just made my life worse. (And yes there's a lot I haven't put in here). I couldn't stand to be around him. I asked for help from his family and they refused. One day when he overdosed on meds and was hospitalized his mother told me to let him go and not let him back into my home. After asking law enforcement what I could do...I learned it was out of my hands. He could come back to my home and there was nothing I could do about it. The only legal thing I could do was to evict him. His mom blamed me for his continuous drinking and failure to get back to normal. I'm sorry lady, he was in YOUR care when he got into his accident in the 1st place. I hadn't seen him in 18 years and it's my fault? I finally went back to court to try something else. A judge saw my plea and issued immediate removal from my home. What a blessed day that was. Blessed day.
He went to a nursing home for a while and after that, I have no idea. I never want to see him again. Ever.
I have to say he never did the bad things in front of my kids. That, I am thankful for. Just me. There's a LOT more that happened during that time to cause my anxiety and panic attacks. More stuff that didn't involve my special drinking roommate. One day I may be able to share more of that...but for now, this is it.
About a month ago my brother and sister in law asked if I could take a photo shoot of them and their cute little family. It's been a while since I've done that. I used to love taking photos. It makes me so happy. I would sit for hours afterwards editing them on the computer making them just right. I hesitantly said I would do it. I missed them so much and I wanted to see if I would enjoy it as I once had.
A few days ago was the date. As soon as they stepped out of their car I was in the mode. I wanted to do this. I had to stop myself from crying as I witnessed the most perfect little family. I just wanted to capture every moment. I practically did. They were perfect photo subjects too. They are naturals. I didn't have to ask them to do anything. (except once, when Joni wouldn't look at the camera trying get her Calli to smile *wink* - love ya Joni).
I've spend the past couple days reliving the beautiful couple hours I spent with them. I'll soon have all the pictures available to them. I'm going to post a few here. Some of my favorites. I have a lot more favorites than what I posted but for some reason it takes a long time to upload these babies.
I want to thank Joni and Kevin for the awesome opportunity. I had the best time and can't wait to see everyone again soon!
***this has been on the back burner for a week. Didn't know if I was gonna post it or not - but I decided since I had taken the time to write it out...why the heck not***
I went away for the weekend. Not only did I HAVE to see one of my all time favorite people get married, but it was a nice breather for me. I had the most fun I've had in a long long while. I let my hair down, so to speak, and breathed in the Big Bear fresh air. While having the time of my life I also was thinking. (Dangerous, I know.) I will soon be divorced. I do not want to be alone forever. Though my kids are my priority right now, I also would like the comfort of a partner. But being a "little" older and going though what I've been through. I know what I want. I refuse to settle. I was making a mental list of what I want...but I know I need to write things down. And if I meet someone who's interested and I feel the same way back he's gonna have to meet some criteria. I refuse to settle. I should make them fill out an application.
Here goes nothing
Kids
I may or may not want more kids. Whomever I choose to date has to have an open mind about more kids. I made my ex agree to 5 before we got married. He didn't really want that. I don't want someone to agree because they are desperate to be with me. I want someone to truly want the same things as I do. I would happily have more kids. My own, or foster, or adopted. I not only want someone to support that, but to actually want it as well.
Animals
I like to come home w/ things. I want someone to love my furbabies as much as I do. Heck, come home w/ your own too! We need to get a ranch though...they need space. I want chickens and ducks and goats, and pigs and doggies and kitties. I may never get the chance, but I would like the option..if only mentally.
Beliefs
I need 100% respect of my beliefs and that I will raise my kids (present and future) with what I believe to be true and important.
Respect
When you respect your partner you respect them even when they aren't around. I need that. Hanging out w/ your buddies is no excuse to disrespect me...even if you think it's just joking. I am very open minded and I know when it's play...but there's a line. So even if I never find out, please always respect me.
Love
I need to not only hear how much you love me, but I need to see it. Actions speak louder than words. I really believe that.
Then I tell myself people grow and they can sometimes differently than what they originally planned. So far, this is my plan. It may change. I may meet someone and everything may change. Only time will tell. But this is my current plan.
I love you any way. I love you regardless. Just plain I Love You. Any way you say it, it should mean the same. You love somebody past all their faults, negatives and history. You just love them.
I love my kids. It's not a choice. I love them with all that I have. It's not that I have to love them because they are mine. I was made to love them. I am part of them. They are a part of me - an extension of my own heart. Loving them is like loving me...though I feel I love them more than I could possibly love myself.
Love between people isn't ever the same. I don't love my friends as I love my children as I love a partner as I love my family. It differs, but it's still the same. It's LOVE - and LOVE is good.
I yearn for a love from a partner. MY partner. A soul mate who loves me as I love him. I ache for a true friend and lover. Someone I can laugh and cry with who won't judge, scold or lie to me. Someone who will grow right along with me. Learn with me. Play with me. Parent with me. Pray with me. Someone who is capable of loving my children as much as humanly possible without being actually being blood related. I want to feel protected, safe and secure. I want someone who will fight with me and most importantly FOR me. Someone who will fight for my heart and soul and won't ever give up on me. I want someone to love me anyway. Regardless of my faults and unpleasant moments that are sure to come.
I tell myself I am worth it. I deserve that kind of love. I can give that kind of love. There is someone I can love that deeply who will return it. I won't love you the same as I love my children. I won't love my children the same as I love you. It's different. It's good. It's special. It's out there...somewhere. When I find it, I promise I will love you anyway.
I went to my class at Kaiser to work out a plan on how to cope with everything in my life. It helps that it's a group class and I see others who are having difficulty's in life as well. I haven't shared my story (stories since it involves way more than one) yet. We'll see. I am out of work until July 17th and then they'll decide if I go back right away or not. I kind of miss work. It's steady and I love the people I work with. If I didn't have so much else going on, work would be so much easier. However, my employer actually makes their employees work...work hard. I don't mind working hard. I've worked as early as legally possible and haven't stopped since. Heck when I had Tyler I was back to work the the day after I got home from the hospital. Yes, no maternity leave. Zilch. I had work to do and I did it with a baby. It can be done. :)
What I'm going through.
Divorce
I highly advise any and all of you to NEVER get one if it can be helped. If you can work it out I suggest that. The grass is not greener on the other side. It's helped me realize what's most important to me which is fantastic..but at the risk of breaking a home. I could have realized it without that. It's heartwrenchingly difficult. Marriage is and should be forever.
Living Situation
I have my 2 fabulous children. I have moved them into one room to make space for my friend and roommate. He's a recent paraplegic and I'm also his caregiver. I also have a 2nd roommate who's been here for 2 years now. He's one of my best friends. I love him to death and I know he's always someone who will listen to me no matter how crazy of stuff I have to say. It's a house of 5 people and 5 animals. It's a fairly big house so it's not too physically crowded. It's more mentally crowded.
Finances
I want to keep my house. I love my landlord, I love the house and I love my animals. You'd think with 2 roommates helping out I would be able to keep up with my rent. Apparently not. I may be looking to downgrade. I'm crossing my fingers a small cheaper house come avail so I don't have to give up my dog, Sequoia. She's big and the only one I'd worry about housing if I had to move. My kids would also be devastated.
Past Pain and Traumatic Experience
Can't go into detail, but something bad happened to me. I just wish I had the protection at time or someone I could go to. Hopefully I've learned how to protect myself from situations like that again. It's also not something one can push aside and never think about. I think about it all the time.
Pain and Traumatic Experiences in my children
Again, won't go into detail but when a child, especially one of my own, has gone through a painful experience I feel it right along with them. Wishing I could have protected them even though it was beyond my control. I feel so guilty that maybe had I done something different I could have saved them the heartache and pain. This is the worst one of all. It makes everything else I've gone though and going through pale in its presence. I want to take my babies and just flee somewhere far away and keep them safe. Keep them all so safe.
I now have quite a few decisions to make. Decisions that break my heart. I'm a very emotional person. I love people. I don't like hurting others and I want everyone to like me. I need to work on that because it's just not possible to do it all. My mom told me last month "Lesley, you can't save everyone."
Why not? I want to! I want to help everyone, but it's effecting my ability to help myself and that needs to end. Now. It's not easy. I make decisions based on my heart v.s. head. And when I finally think I made a decision based on my head I regret it and feel guilty and sad.
I made some goals. Well the goals are actually my homework. I am to start exercising minimum 2 days per week. I think I can do that. I also was to plan some activities. One was to take my kids to the park and or movies. I was to plan an activity that makes me happy. My kids make me so happy so naturally I chose an activity that included them.
I have a harder goal I need to set but I'm not going to say it here. Protection of privacy for the time being. If you pray, please pray I make the best decision for me and my family.
I have noticed that though I can call a lot of people my friends, I don't ever have a lot of friends around. Nor do I go over and visit with friends. I don't know if I'm in a long-friend-needing-drought-phase but I just don't have the craving. I don't mean to seem snobbish like I'm too good for that. I just really REALLY enjoy my alone time. And when I'm enjoying my alone time I'm not alone.
For starters, I have my kids. I love them more than anything in the entire world. Having them around just lights up my soul. Secondly, I have my animals. They never leave me alone. There's a cat in my lap and dogs at my feet. They never leave me alone. <---posted twice for emphasis. Thridly, I have Facebook. Sounds sad, right? I don't feel sad about it. Virtual socialization, for the most part, seems to be enough for me. I can be the me I am in my head v.s. the insecure me I am in person.
Insecurity. I believe I stay secluded, for the most part, because I am incredibly insecure. I have been told to work past it or the more you do stuff the less insecure you'll be. Not true. I'm no head-doctor but I know me. I know me more than anyone knows me....'cept God. I have bursts of confidence and times where I crave the need to be physically social. But more often than not a session of online interaction or a silent game of Words with Friends is enough to satisfy my friendly need.
I want to be that person. That person who goes out with her girlfriends and has a blast and shares and has pillow fights and all that jazz. I used to be that person, sort of. In elementary school I had Jennifer. We hung out all the friggin time growing up. All I wanted to do was hang out with her. When I moved to Ramona I had Sonia. We hung out all the friggin time and all I wanted to do was hang out with her. :) Then the boys came into the picture and like every girl I've ever met, when a boy enters the picture, he comes first. At least in the beginning. Or forever. Depends on the person. Then when that boy is gone, she wonders where her girlfriends are. Well, they have their own boy or they found new friends because you were all caught up with your boy. Well..time to grovel for forgiveness or find a new boy. Ha-ha. OR..hang out with everyone! I don't know what I did in high school when I was dating. I know it was only like a *few* years ago, but my memory is foggy.
Too much effort. A friend is worth all the effort in the world. And the more time I spend secluded from them the more okay I am with it. I used to live next door to Jessica and we'd hang out all the time. I moved away and was okay with that. I don't mean that I was glad to move away from her. Not at all. I just process things differently.
I don't talk on phones with people. I hate phones. I never call anyone. I really don't. Not even my own family. I love them all but there's something about the phone I despise. I was told that texting or emailing is impersonal and that I just need to call. Well it may be impersonal to YOU but it is not to me. It's just an electronic (and quicker) version of writing a letter, which people used to do before there were telephones. Back in the day I don't think when someone received a letter from a loved one, they would get offended thinking "oh how impersonal of them, if they really loved me they'd get in their horse drawn buggy and travel for 7 days, risk being killed by wild buffalo to say 'hey, what's up?' in person." So if someone is upset by my preferred form of contact then that's too bad. If you want to call me, then I will answer and talk to you happily. I just won't be calling you. Even if you give up e-mail and block texting all together in order to force me to call you...I still probably wouldn't. It's not to be mean. It's me. And I am going to be me for the rest of my life.
