Rewind and be kind. Educate instead of Hate.

I have a new movement to share with you all. My politicalish post is directed towards anyone who think it's directed towards and even those who don't. :)

I've always been motivated by those who call me names. The worse names I'm called the better I perform. And if I don't agree with you, just start calling me ignorant, stupid, lame, dumb...and so on...I'm even more motivated to change my mind just so you stop calling me those names.


NOT. Um...wait...rewind.

Have you ever thought that:

Positively sharing knowledge has better reception than doing so negatively? You may think it's just the opposite because it seems a like only the negative is shared. It riles up everyone's emotions and brings forth anger and hatred...but nothing changes. Nobody's minds are changed. I repeat, nobody.  We want people to change. We all think our ideas and beliefs are the correct ones and society and the world would be a better place if everyone voted left, or right, up or down, black or white...and so on.  Very rarely do I see any side that kindly shares their ideas and ideals in a positive way. A way that doesn't sling hateful words to the people that don't share the same. If we want change and people don't change if they are called unkind words, then why are we continuing to do just that?

Tell someone they're doing a good job and they will work harder. Tell them how much they suck and watch their work circle the drain.   Encourage instead of bring down.  I'm not saying everyone deserves a trophy, as I do think competition is necessary - but I feel we are going about it the wrong way.

Let's rewind.....and be kind.

Instead of spewing hate....educate. Sharing your views and beliefs in a kind and positive way will diminish the need to have others put up their defensive barrier and maybe...just maybe...you will have the ability to penetrate their mind and slowly change the world for the better.

My thoughts for the day

Depression is real

Always after a death, whether it be someone close like a family or friend, or someone famous that even though we didn't know them they some how touched us - Social media is always filled with closeness. Most of the comments are about sadness or favorite memories. A few scattered heartless people are out there, but gladly most of them are good filled memories. When someone dies by their own hand, my heart breaks for what they must have gone through to get to that point. 

Depression is real.

I have suffered depression for many years. A decade or more at least. I believe that everyone suffers this terrible "whateverthisis" different than others. I also believe that we all cannot be treated the same way. Thankfully, I have not been to the point where I want to end my own life. I cannot know what those people are thinking and what they're going through. I do know that we all have our own secrets and things we've been through and no matter how much we share, we never share it all. There will always be something inside that we keep for just ourselves.  We can NEVER know everything about someone else.  I do know it is not what we want. Nobody wants to feel depressed. It's a terrible way to feel. It's...well...depressing. 

Depression cannot be snapped out of.

People can look happy and act happy and actually feel happy sometimes and still suffer from depression. I have many good days, good moments, good hours. Photos of me looking happy and laughing, I am happy and laughing in that moment. It can change. I know it will change...I just don't know when.  I could have all the money in the world, but that doesn't beat depression. I am not sure what it will take, I just know that it's real and misunderstood.

Depression doesn't equal "emo"

I am a very sensitive and emotional person. I cry at almost every movie.  I also think many appropriateness things are hysterically funny. I love to drink beer and sometimes I drink too much. I pray and believe in God. I try to love everyone regardless of what they believe. I am many things and my depression doesn't define me. It doesn't fit into any one type of person. It goes after every type of person.

How to "deal" with someone who suffers from depression

Love them. Let them know you care. Give them space and know they still care about you but may not be able to show it. Don't judge them. Think hard before you hand out advice. Let them know they're not alone and that you WANT to hear what they have to say. You WANT to be apart of their lives even if they think their life isn't worth living.  The hardest part, for me at least, is feeling as though I'm whining or talking about things someone else doesn't want to hear or want to understand. I don't want to be a burden and I don't want people judging me.  This doesn't mean you need to give up on your own life and take on the pain of your friend or loved one.  There's a time and place for everything.  You don't have to fully understand what someone is going through to love them. Love them anyway.

In Love

Relationships. Only God knows why this one is different from all the rest. Well, actually, every relationship is different so that's nothing new...however, I have never felt the need to 'claim' someone. I am not sure if it's because of what I've been through in the past few years or what. I fall in love more and more with Steve all the time. I don't like being a part from him and if we could spend all day together every day I would be incredibly happy.   I've also never experienced this type of jealousy before.  It's not "I'll cut you b---- if you get near my man" type. It's more reserved and internal than that. I want him to be proud to have me next to him. I want the world to know we're inseparable.  It's an entirely new feeling and it's over powering. I suppose this is how the crazy, psycho girls are created. *nervous laughter*  I'm only kidding.  I'm not psycho...just mildly crazy. *wink*

My love and Me

One year later. Steve & Lesley

From the moment we met until today we've been inseparable. You were given to me as a gift during a time I needed you the very most. We were blessed by surprise with our sweet baby boy. I can only wonder if it was all destined to be.

Our first date - Sea World July 2013

Our most recent outing and photo together June 2014

You have filled me up with many new friends and family and I thank you so much for the love that surrounds me and my kids. We have had our ups. Lots of them. Every one of them with you fills my heart with love and laughter. We've had downs...not too many and downs come with every relationship - it's how we get through them is what matters. And we've had in-betweens. I still look forward to seeing you every single day. Not a day goes by that I wish you not by my side.  I know we have many years to come and I anxiously await to see what they brings us.

I love you. Happy first year together!

Overly Insecure? Untrusting? Or something else...

Maybe this is something some people think should be left for a private conversation, others, maybe not. I am who I am and I vent how I vent and share my views, concerns and joys the way that I do. I've never kept it a secret and as I've been told "be okay with it"

Bachelor parties...Bachelorette Parties. I have stated my views before. I am not okay with what seems to be the "norm" behind them. Drunkenness and strippers.  You are out celebrating with 20 of your 'closest friends' viewing naked dancers inches from your face (touching? maybe that'll cost you more - I don't even want to go there). The point of this celebratory ritual?  A rite of passage for the spouse to be. A final night to get all their ya-ya's out before they're tied down to the ol' ball and chain.

My view on this.

If you have ya-ya's - get them out before you get into a relationship. Respect your girl or guy and have a night out at Dave N Busters or Go-Kart racing...or something else that doesn't involve naked people who aren't your spouse to be.

It's about LOVE and RESPECT. I don't expect everyone to share my views...but the thought of my guy planning and/or attending one of the debacles makes me sick to my stomach. Do I trust my guy? Sure. Do I think he's planning on cheating on me? Nope. Do I like the thought of him getting turned on by some naked lady doing only God-knows-what in front of him, on his lap or whatever else they do? NOT-ONE-LITTLE-BIT

It is not okay. Purposely attending an event knowing you're going to be lusting after someone partially or fully unclothed is not okay. Making a night out of this is not okay with me. I don't see how it is okay with anyone, really. A night out, sure. A fun wholesome night out with friends is always a good time.

You are free to call me insecure. I am. I believe most people are to some degree.
You are free to call me un-trusing. I am that as well. I don't trust what 's going on inside someone's head who feels the need to view naked people dancing inches from their face. It's anything but innocent. I think my body is the only one he should be lusting for.  I won't ever apologize for that.

Love is..

Love isn't about looks, or money, status, popularity, other or things.
It's most certainly not about bitterness, jealousy and hatred either.

Love is a feeling.
It is wanting what's best for someone no matter how it effects oneself.
Love is strong and good

One can love so hard it hurts. It's not necessarily a bad hurt.. maybe more like an ache. Loving so strong that you never want that person to hurt. Loving so deep that you actually feel a loved ones pain. Loving so freely that you are happy when they are happy - even if they aren't with you (if that's what you desire)

Love is giving of your time even when you're "busy"
Love is not an obligation.
Love is not a game
Love is not a contract

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
(English Standard Version)
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Love is forgiveness
Love is healing
Love is warm and comforting


Wrap yourself up in love and feel good.

Love you all.

Touch...

One needs not only the physical touch, but an emotional one. Both are equally necessary in love.

~LAL

Born to love..

I was born to love. It was stitched into my very soul. Loving can be warm and fulfilling; overwhelming and achy.  I am grateful. Loving is beautiful.

I was born to feel. My entire being feels so deeply it is as though I'm in a constant whirlwind of emotion. Feeling can be as soft as feather stroking ones skin or as sharp as a knife in ones heart. I am grateful. Feeling is wondrous.

I was taught to be thankful. My parents and family around me showed me how remarkable it is to be thankful. Thankfulness is being happy with what one has as well as what one has given your soul. I am grateful.  Thankfulness is humbling.

I was taught to give. To give without thought of one's self.  To give without wanting or needing anything in return. Giving is like a present and should never hurt.  I am grateful. Giving is a gift.

I am tempted to hate. All around me there is hatred, mean spirited talk and actions. Hatred sucks the happiness out of a body and replaces it with evil. I try and avoid all hate. Hate is cold in ones heart and like smoke in ones eyes.  I am grateful for the challenge to show others how to avoid hate. Hating is monstrous.

I am tempted to lie. White lies to make someone feel better. Big lies to try and better ones personal situation. Lying is everywhere. There is no benefit to a lie. If one must spit a lie instead of spilling the truth they are filled with shame. Lying may make one feel better for a short while, but will rip you apart over time.  I am grateful for the opportunity to tell the truth. Lying is disrespectful.

All in all I am surrounded by each of these and it's up to me how to use them. Filling my soul with the good and casting out the bad.




John 13:34-35

34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”


.

..... A touch of Love

A Touch of Love

You were six months old and full of fun

With a blink of an eye you were suddenly one.

There were so many things we were going to do,

But I turn my head and you were two.

At two you were still dependent on me,

But independence took over when you were three.

Your third birthday, another year I wished to ignore,

But as I lit the candles there weren't three but four.

Four was the year that you really strived,

Why, look at you now, you're already five.

Now you're ready for books and rules,

This is the year that you go to school.

The big day came you were anxious to go.

We walked to the bus, going oh so slow.

As the bus drove away and you waved good-bye

I felt a lump in my throat and a tear stung my eye.

For when the bus brings you home and you jump to the ground,

You'll be wearing your cap and graduation gown.

Time goes by so fast its hard to believe,

Why just yesterday you were home with me.

So I am holding these moments as hard as I can,

Because the next time I look I'll be seeing a man . . .

So I am holding these moments as close as I dare . . .

In a twinkling, a woman will be standing there.

 

 

 

source: http://www.dennydavis.net/poemfiles/bbychld/growup.htm

Sunday morning comin' down

  One of my greatest pleasures is waking up early on a Sunday morning while the sun is still rising and it's still cool enough to have the windows and door open. I begin with a little cleaning while I brew myself a few cups of coffee. When I feel I have been productive enough,  I sit down in my recliner, turn  Music Choice on the television and browse the Internet.This is when I usually get girly, gushy and emotional. I don't just sit and cry, but my mind usually wanders to love and broken hearts and my kids and all the things that makes my girl brain...well.. mine.

  Before the wonderful and addicting world of Pinterest I would look at videos on YouTube, and if one looked interesting enough to watch I would mute Music Choice and listen. If the video or lyrics spoke to me then I will usually play it over and over again. At this time it wouldn't be uncommon for some tears to fall as my mind overflowed with emotion. I would end up having to refill my coffee multiple times. Not because I drank it all, but because I would forget and it would get cold.

  Now with Pinterest, I can just click the category Quotes or search for Love and I can fulfill my emotional needs the rest of the morning. This is also when I get the desire to write about what is going through my head. I don't always write them in detail, because even though I'm known for sharing lots of stuff, most of my thoughts will remain mine alone. I would most likely scare a lot of people if I wrote them in detail. I am pretty sure that goes for just about everyone. The mind is a mysterious labyrinth of twists turns, secret passage ways, trick doors and just about anything else you can imagine. 

  This is the video this morning that I listened to over and over again. It came on Music Choice and then I had to find the video, pin it, blog it and listen to it like 10 times.   I love love-songs. I love the emotion that builds up in me imaging being in that persons place. I know it's just a video but the feelings they are portraying speak as if it's real and true. Which is the point of making music and the videos to go along with them. That, and for our entertainment. 

  There are times a song comes on that is just fun and I have no emotional connection to it other than just enjoying the tempo, fun lyrics and video. Taylor Swift is awesome. Her 'Never get back together' song is hilarious. I can't really relate to it as I don't recall ever being in an on again off again relationship...but the video made me laugh. Kinda reminded me of the Bruno Mars Lazy video.

  When I've had my fill of tears, laughter, coffee. I close down my computer and take a shower. :) 

   The End. 

Not gonna settle

***this has been on the back burner for a week. Didn't know if I was gonna post it or not - but I decided since I had taken the time to write it out...why the heck not***

I went away for the weekend. Not only did I HAVE to see one of my all time favorite people get married, but it was a nice breather for me. I had the most fun I've had in a long long while. I let my hair down, so to speak, and breathed in the Big Bear fresh air.  While having the time of my life I also was thinking. (Dangerous, I know.)  I will soon be divorced. I do not want to be alone forever. Though my kids are my priority right now, I also would like the comfort of a partner. But being a "little" older and going though what I've been through. I know what I want. I refuse to settle. I was making a mental list of what I want...but I know I need to write things down. And if I meet someone who's interested and I feel the same way back he's gonna have to meet some criteria. I refuse to settle. I should make them fill out an application.

Here goes nothing

• Kids
• I may or may not want more kids. Whomever I choose to date has to have an open mind about more kids. I made my ex agree to 5 before we got married. He didn't really want that. I don't want someone to agree because they are desperate to be with me. I want someone to truly want the same things as I do. I would happily have more kids. My own, or foster, or adopted. I not only want someone to support that, but to actually want it as well. 
• Animals
• I like to come home w/ things. I want someone to love my furbabies as much as I do. Heck, come home w/ your own too! We need to get a ranch though...they need space. I want chickens and ducks and goats, and pigs and doggies and kitties. I may never get the chance, but I would like the option..if only mentally. 
• Beliefs
• I need 100% respect of my beliefs and that I will raise my kids (present and future) with what I believe to be true and important. 
• Respect
• When you respect your partner you respect them even when they aren't around. I need that. Hanging out w/ your buddies is no excuse to disrespect me...even if you think it's just joking. I am very open minded and I know when it's play...but there's a line. So even if I never find out, please always respect me. 
• Love
• I need to not only hear how much you love me, but I need to see it. Actions speak louder than words. I really believe that. 

Then I tell myself people grow and they can sometimes differently than what they originally planned. So far, this is my plan. It may change. I may meet someone and everything may change. Only time will tell. But this is my current plan. 

I love you anyway

I love you any way. I love you regardless. Just plain I Love You. Any way you say it, it should mean the same. You love somebody past all their faults, negatives and history. You just love them.

I love my kids. It's not a choice. I love them with all that I have. It's not that I have to love them because they are mine.  I was made to love them. I am part of them. They are a part of me - an extension of my own heart.  Loving them is like loving me...though I feel I love them more than I could possibly love myself.

Love between people isn't ever the same. I don't love my friends as I love my children as I love a partner as I love my family. It differs, but it's still the same. It's LOVE - and LOVE is good. 

I yearn for a love from a partner. MY partner. A soul mate who loves me as I love him. I ache for a true friend and lover. Someone I can laugh and cry with who won't  judge, scold or lie to me.  Someone who will grow right along with me. Learn with me. Play with me. Parent with me. Pray with me. Someone who is capable of loving my children as much as humanly possible without being actually being blood related.   I want to feel protected, safe and secure. I want someone who will fight with me and most importantly FOR me.  Someone who will fight for my heart and soul and won't ever give up on me. I want someone to love me anyway. Regardless of my faults and unpleasant moments that are sure to come.

I tell myself I am worth it. I deserve that kind of love. I can give that kind of love. There is someone I can love that deeply who will return it.   I won't love you the same as I love my children. I won't love my children the same as I love you. It's different. It's good. It's special. It's out there...somewhere. When I find it, I promise I will love you anyway.

I love you to the Milky Way

To my babies.
Love, mom

I was told to Journal my days

I used to blog all the time. I had a few years of entries and then one day I just deleted them all. I'm spontaneous like that. The last blog on here. Like the one right before this one today on  July 1st I actually wrote like a year ago and it was in my drafts and I just published it.

So, what's up? I'm out of work for about 3 weeks. Mental stress or what-have-you. I could be private about it and journal secretly but falling in the lines of my author sister...I figure what's the harm in hanging out my skeletons on front lawn for all to see then to hide them in the closet?  Less speculation and talk. Non of anyone's business...yup...but I'd rather any info come from me. It's just my way. Have your own opinion if you will. You're going to anyway. As am I.

For the privacy of others there will be some bits of information I will not disclose. And even if you ask me privately I won't tell you. Not because I don't want to... because if it were up to me I'd be screaming everything to anyone with ears.  I love and respect some people enough to not disclose certain things only because it's not fully mine to share.

To continue with my 3 weeks off work. I was told to journal my days. So this is entry numero uno. It's Sunday morning and I've had 3 cups of coffee. Gevalia. It's good stuff. I know I should probably cut down on my coffee intake and I will try. Today I will not. I want another but I drank it all. Sadness. Oh well..there's also a chocolate bar in fridge. MINE!!

I'm terrible at grammar so I'm not sure where to put periods, commas, colons, semi colons or new paragraphs. I make up my own grammar and words. :) I don't do grammar Nazis either. Poo on you grammar Nazis. fyi, the 4 times I used the word grammar in the last couple sentences I spelled it grammer. :) haha. I had to spell check it. Love spell check. 

I'm reading 50 shades of Grey. Or Gray.  Don't feel like looking up the spelling right now.  Many apologies to my bestest friend Jessica, but this book is annoying me. The writing is juvenile and out of date for the times. Maybe I want my own love story...or maybe I prefer vanilla.  If I forget to pick it up again I won't cry, though I will probably finish reading it to say I that I did. I haven't finished a book since Twilight. *shameful* I also won't be standing in line when the movies come out probably staring Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Why can I see those 2 as the stars of this book. This book is a mix of Twilight and Pretty Woman gone Flogging.  Maybe I'll have a different opinion once I'm done reading it. For all those lives that have been changed by this...congrats. I'm happy for you.   Maybe I'm just in a cynical bad mood and can't enjoy a fun book.  Or ultimately I'm probably jealous of someone elses love story and feelings that seem to have faded from my own life.   I think I'll have that chocolate bar now.