I have noticed that though I can call a lot of people my friends, I don't ever have a lot of friends around. Nor do I go over and visit with friends. I don't know if I'm in a long-friend-needing-drought-phase but I just don't have the craving. I don't mean to seem snobbish like I'm too good for that. I just really REALLY enjoy my alone time. And when I'm enjoying my alone time I'm not alone.
For starters, I have my kids. I love them more than anything in the entire world. Having them around just lights up my soul. Secondly, I have my animals. They never leave me alone. There's a cat in my lap and dogs at my feet. They never leave me alone. <---posted twice for emphasis. Thridly, I have Facebook. Sounds sad, right? I don't feel sad about it. Virtual socialization, for the most part, seems to be enough for me. I can be the me I am in my head v.s. the insecure me I am in person.
Insecurity. I believe I stay secluded, for the most part, because I am incredibly insecure. I have been told to work past it or the more you do stuff the less insecure you'll be. Not true. I'm no head-doctor but I know me. I know me more than anyone knows me....'cept God. I have bursts of confidence and times where I crave the need to be physically social. But more often than not a session of online interaction or a silent game of Words with Friends is enough to satisfy my friendly need.
I want to be that person. That person who goes out with her girlfriends and has a blast and shares and has pillow fights and all that jazz. I used to be that person, sort of. In elementary school I had Jennifer. We hung out all the friggin time growing up. All I wanted to do was hang out with her. When I moved to Ramona I had Sonia. We hung out all the friggin time and all I wanted to do was hang out with her. :) Then the boys came into the picture and like every girl I've ever met, when a boy enters the picture, he comes first. At least in the beginning. Or forever. Depends on the person. Then when that boy is gone, she wonders where her girlfriends are. Well, they have their own boy or they found new friends because you were all caught up with your boy. Well..time to grovel for forgiveness or find a new boy. Ha-ha. OR..hang out with everyone! I don't know what I did in high school when I was dating. I know it was only like a *few* years ago, but my memory is foggy.
Too much effort. A friend is worth all the effort in the world. And the more time I spend secluded from them the more okay I am with it. I used to live next door to Jessica and we'd hang out all the time. I moved away and was okay with that. I don't mean that I was glad to move away from her. Not at all. I just process things differently.
I don't talk on phones with people. I hate phones. I never call anyone. I really don't. Not even my own family. I love them all but there's something about the phone I despise. I was told that texting or emailing is impersonal and that I just need to call. Well it may be impersonal to YOU but it is not to me. It's just an electronic (and quicker) version of writing a letter, which people used to do before there were telephones. Back in the day I don't think when someone received a letter from a loved one, they would get offended thinking "oh how impersonal of them, if they really loved me they'd get in their horse drawn buggy and travel for 7 days, risk being killed by wild buffalo to say 'hey, what's up?' in person." So if someone is upset by my preferred form of contact then that's too bad. If you want to call me, then I will answer and talk to you happily. I just won't be calling you. Even if you give up e-mail and block texting all together in order to force me to call you...I still probably wouldn't. It's not to be mean. It's me. And I am going to be me for the rest of my life.