My Family

My Family

Tuesday, July 3, 2012


I went to my class at Kaiser to work out a plan on how to cope with everything in my life.  It helps that it's a group class and I see others who are having difficulty's in life as well. I haven't shared my story (stories since it involves way more than one) yet. We'll see. I am out of work until July 17th and then they'll decide if I go back right away or not.   I kind of miss work. It's steady and I love the people I work with. If I didn't have so much else going on, work would be so much easier. However, my employer actually makes their employees hard. I don't mind working hard. I've worked as early as legally possible and haven't stopped since. Heck when I had Tyler I was back to work the the day after I got home from the hospital. Yes, no maternity leave. Zilch. I had work to do and I did it with a baby. It can be done. :)

What I'm going through.

  • Divorce
    • I highly advise any and all of you to NEVER get one if it can be helped. If  you can work it out I suggest that. The grass is not greener on the other side. It's helped me realize what's most important to me which is fantastic..but at the risk of breaking a home. I could have realized it without that. It's heartwrenchingly difficult. Marriage is and should be forever. 
  • Living Situation
    • I have my 2 fabulous children. I have moved them into one room to make space for my friend and roommate. He's a recent paraplegic and I'm also his caregiver. I also have a 2nd roommate who's been here for 2 years now. He's one of my best friends. I love him to death and I know he's always someone who will listen to me no matter how crazy of stuff I have to say. It's a house of 5 people and 5 animals. It's a fairly big house so it's not too physically crowded. It's more mentally crowded. 
  • Finances
    • I want to keep my house. I love my landlord, I love the house and I love my animals. You'd think with 2 roommates helping out I would be able to keep up with my rent. Apparently not. I may be looking to downgrade. I'm crossing my fingers a small cheaper house come avail so I don't have to give up my dog, Sequoia. She's big and the only one I'd worry about housing if I had to move. My kids would also be devastated. 
  • Past Pain and Traumatic Experience
    • Can't go into detail, but something bad happened to me. I just wish I had the protection at time or someone I could go to. Hopefully I've learned how to protect myself from situations like that again. It's also not something one can push aside and never think about. I think about it all the time. 
  • Pain and Traumatic Experiences in my children
    • Again, won't go into detail but when a child, especially one of my own, has gone through a painful experience I feel it right along with them. Wishing I could have protected them even though it was beyond my control. I feel so guilty that maybe had I done something different I could have saved them the heartache and pain. This is the worst one of all. It makes everything  else I've gone though and going through pale in its presence. I want to take my babies and just flee somewhere far away and keep them safe. Keep them all so safe. 

I now have quite a few decisions to make. Decisions that break my heart. I'm a very emotional person. I love people. I don't like hurting others and I want everyone to like me. I need to work on that because it's just not possible to do it all. My mom told me last month "Lesley, you can't save everyone."

Why not?  I want to! I want to help everyone, but it's effecting my ability to help myself and that needs to end. Now. It's not easy. I make decisions based on my heart v.s. head. And when I finally think I made a decision based on my head I regret it and feel guilty and sad.

I made some goals. Well the goals are actually my homework. I am to start exercising minimum 2 days per week. I think I can do that. I also was to plan some activities. One was to take my kids to the park and or movies. I was to plan an activity that makes me happy. My kids make me so happy so naturally I chose an activity that included them.

I have a harder goal I need to set but I'm not going to say it here. Protection of privacy for the time being. If you pray, please pray I make the best decision for me and my family.

I think that's all for today. Too-da-loo



  1. Hugs! I knew something was up, but didnt want to intrude. I'm always around if you need to talk.

  2. Intrude away, I'm posting it for all to see.


Tell me how you feel. Please be nice. I only do nice. xoxo